Everyone feels sad every now and then, so there is no real "depression" right?
Wrong.
I have two beautiful children that I am lucky enough to be able to stay home with everyday and a husband who.... puts up with my awesome manic, mood swings, crazy, broken self. We have a roof over our heads, food in our fridge and a running vehicle that gets us from point A to point B. Wonderful friends who would drop everything in the blink of an eye to help when called upon. My in-laws live within a 15 minute drive from our house and spoil my children rotten.
Yet, despite all of this, waking up every morning and just going with the motions (thank Thor for motions or else my house would be 100% destroyed and my kids would need to learn to make food for themselves) takes every ounce of energy I'm able to muster. Not really being apart of my kids morning routine because the weight on my heart, mind and chest is almost suffocating, just adds to my depression. Its a lose-lose battle.
It wasn't always like this. I was a normal person with normal highs and normal lows. Then my husband was laid off from a job he had had for 10 years because he pretended to write on one of his coworkers back with a marker and was reported for sexual harassment. Two days before he was laid off, I had just found out I was pregnant with my second child. Not knowing how we were going to pay rent and bills, on top of all the emotions that come with pregnancy, I started sinking. Sinking so fast into depression that I didn't even know it was happening. And by the time I did every doctor I saw told me it was just hormones from the pregnancy mixed with the pain from the loss of my mom over a year before (its been almost four years now).
When I finally decided that I was tired of feeling this way and wanted to wake up in the morning happy and ready to answer my kids questions over and over again, I made an appointment to see my doctor and get a referral. A referral to someone who could help me understand all this pain inside. The day of the appointment I was informed that our state insurance was no longer valid and if I still wanted to see the doctor it would be $200 out of pocket. Just for a referral. I still have no idea why my husband and I don't have insurance through the state (we live in California and are low income because we only have one income so we qualified for food stamps known here as EBT, health insurance and very minimal dental because we have kids), but my children are still 100% covered. So I just try not to break any bones and not get deathly ill. If honey, coconut oil, and peach pits can't fix it, then I'm screwed because we can't afford for me to go to an ER and going to a free clinic is only possible if I have 24 extra hours just laying around.
No insurance means that my depression has been left untreated for almost two years. I'm lucky in the fact that I have so many wonderful people in my life looking out for me and that my depression isn't as extreme as my mom's was or a few of my friends. But it's still there, in the back of my mind always waiting and watching. I have way more up days than I do down, but once I'm down; I'm down. There is no getting me back up. There is a lot of yelling and screaming and crying and just hating myself for letting things get to this point. Then I wake up. The darkness washes away and I'm able to see for the first time in days/weeks. My children look so much more grown up and they seem happy that their mom was able to find her way back.
My story isn't anything special and it isn't really anything that anyone would want to read. But I wanted to start blogging my days so that other people out there can see that they aren't alone. Depression comes in so many different shapes, sizes, styles and colors that most of us believe the people around us telling us that we're just having a bad day. Its time to break this stigma and make people see that this is serious and that we are more than just lazy people who want to live off the government.
We just.... we just need you to be there for us.
