Things with my husband haven't been right for a while. Earlier this year I found out that he had been talking to a female friend of his about me (things you don't tell your friends about your spouse), and then started asking her for naked pictures. They even went as far as to watch each other do stuff on the app Tango. I left for a week, and stayed with a friend. That next weekend when I was bringing my kids back to stay with him for a week, my son started crying and asked me not to leave. I just couldn't do it, so I stayed. D slept on the couch or in O's bed while the kids and I slept in the master bedroom. D and I talked about what happened and decided that seeing someone and trying to work on our marriage was the best answer to everything.
Wrong.
Things started to go back to the way they were after O was born. Dan did a lot for me back then and I did a lot for him. When he was laid off a year later things started to change and he started to treat me like a maid. He would talk down to me, give me one word answers and be an overall dick. He didn't help clean the house unless I stopped cleaning it for a few days and then he would wake up and decide that it was "sick of the mess. It's been messy and dirty for weeks now." And he would clean.
After everything happened and we thought we would work through everything, I noticed that things were started to become worse. While he stopped watching porn and talking about me to everyone who would listen, he became more harsh and just completely rude. He stopped using manners, and has said to me more than once that it's not his job to help clean the house or help in any way. He works to make money, and I should be working to do everything else at home.
He doesn't talk to, touch, or even acknowledge the fact that I'm alive unless he wants sex, food, or to know if I'm going to wash his clothes.
Needless to say, I'm just done. I can't handle whatever depression he's going through (and 100% refuses to get help for), my depression, my kids, the entire house, and be his personal cook and maid. I just can't. I love cooking and taking care of my family, but now I'm taking care of a stranger who wants nothing to do with me. How do I get out? How do I stop this? The whole reason I'm a SAHM is because 1. my depression got so bad that I just quit my job. 2. it's cheaper for me to be home with our kids, than to send them to someone else and pay them to raise them.
I'm just lost, upset and consumed by the fact that this person is supposed to be my rock and he's now my ball and chain. Not in a funny laughable way either. He's holding me back and his depression is engulfing me.
I need to break free, but I'm so scared. I'm so afraid that I'll decide to stay here so my kids have both parents and just continue to be depressed and feel like I live with a stranger, or that I'll finally get the courage to leave for good and I'll lose my kids. Or at least not see them all the time. And I'm that crazy person who wants her kids around all the time. The random sleepover once in a while is fine, but I just want/need my kids around me. If I get divorced I'll have to go through times without them and I don't think I could handle that.
Tough choices that I didn't think my life would include. So either stay and let my depression eat away at me, or leave and have my heart broken every time I have to let my kids be with him. It's a lose-lose situation and I hate that this is where my life is.
No comments:
Post a Comment